Thursday, February 13, 2014

Courtship Vs. Dating {Part One}



When people first hear the word “courtship” the first thing that is thought of is a scenario of a chaperoned couple sitting together on a loveseat in the parlor holding hands. Two words probably come to mind when seeing this picture: “old” and “fashioned.” Yes, in today's culture courtship is viewed as old fashioned and deemed out of style, and it's definitely not cool for a couple to court anymore, especially in this era. Dating is much more in practice and is the majority's choice of a romantic get together. I mean, would you seriously want to go around telling other people that you are in a courtship with someone or a relationship with someone? Culture has accepted dating as the number one way to get to know another person romantically. However, does society know just what courtship really is?


Okay, before we move on, let's get some definitions down, just so everyone knows exactly what we are talking about when I mention courtship or dating.

Webster's ever constant, never failing dictionary says that the definition for courtship is:

“The activities that occur when people are developing a romantic relationship that could lead to marriage or the period of time when such activities occur.”

All right, so courtship was for getting to know each other through a friendly relationship that could lead to marriage.

Now let's look at the definition of dating.

An appointment to meet at a specified time; especiallya social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character .”

Or:

To do an activity with someone you have might have a romantic relationship with: to go on a date or several dates with (someone).”

So, dating is more of a social thing; you hang out with your “special someone” doing fun activities together.


Now that we have it all straightened out and no one is confused, let's move on to a deeper level and really look into what exactly courtship and dating are and compare the two, shall we?

I think the biggest difference between courtship and dating is the idea of marriage. Courtship focuses on getting to find out about someone and whether they are ready for marriage or not. The process of this takes commitment from sides and shows if each party is truly dedicated to the cause. People, if a person can portray commitment, that is a good sign he or she will have a good relationship for marriage. The couple can talk with each other and discover characteristics and qualities that would deem them fit or unfit for a relationship. Dating often involves more of a free going, fun social outing with someone else. You do get to know the person, but the process is more focused on having fun with each other rather than finding out their beliefs. It takes more effort to commit to complete a courtship while with dating you can easily pick up or break up with someone. No commitment is necessary for the latter. Girls and guys, if someone can't commit to a relationship, than that's a huge sign that they might have trouble to committing to other things ( i. e. marriage, purity, etc.) If they can't commit to you, then can they commit to God? 

Courtship involves accountability. Wherever the couple goes there is always a third party present. They are never alone together anywhere at anytime. This “old-fashioned” idea of a chaperone is actually more helpful than we think and may preserve the couple's character. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 tells us to “abstain from all appearance of evil.” Never being alone together will keep others from thinking badly or making assumptions about a couple. Be smart and don't give others the opportunity to present immoral ideas about you. Dating, on the other hand, has no accountability. Sorry, but it's true. When you go out on a date, it's just you and your special someone. Alone. Yes, you may go to a public area together, but there isn't anyone there who knows you and can hold you accountable for your actions. Here's another problem I have with dating. You have to ride alone in the car together wherever you go. Can you be accountable to anyone for that? It's not smart to be alone with your romantic interest before you're married. Temptations will arise. However, it is always safe to have a third party with you so you are never tempted to be immoral or have false accusations made against you. Avoid from looking sinful. If there is a chance the situation could give people the wrong idea about you, then don't do it. With courtship you are always chaperoned and always held accountable for what you do. You are never alone with him or her at anytime. Ever. 



So, part of the accountability of a courtship is to others, and now, part two of accountability is to the authority. You are held accountable to your parents, and more importantly you are held accountable before God. This goes along with avoiding all appearance of evil. Don't let anyone be able to say anything against you that won't glorify God. I Corinthians 10:13 tells us we need to give all the glory to God. When we aren't held accountable for any of our actions, will others be thinking thoughts about you that will be glorifying God? Probably not.

While dating is usually just two people alone, courtship involves others. The couple dating likes their private time alone and often don't include others in their relationship.

Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.” Not sure what that means? Here, let me put it in a more simpler form and say it this way: “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” You need to be including others' advice in your relationship -especially your parents or the biggest authority over you, God. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend need to remember the world doesn't revolve around you two when you are a couple. So many couples are guilty of that and forget that anyone else exists. Sometimes, it is wise to listen to others and include them -especially God. The courting process always has both families involved as the two young people are spending time together (chaperoned, of course). More specifically, the parents are involved. Even before the courtship can begin between to young people, the boy needs to ask the girl's father for permission to court her. Listen up, girls! If a guy asks your dad first for permission when he is interested in you than that is a huge sign he probably respects authority. Both sets of parents should always, always be included. Take advice from them and, more importantly, from God. Courtship should always be a Christ centered relationship; keep God first and foremost. Spending time together should bring you closer to God -even more than each other. 

Dating rides on the emotional waves while courtship avoids it completely. When you date someone you can become emotionally attached and have “feelings” for them. This is what the world defines as true love. Suddenly these gushy emotions you experience inside can convince you that you're in love. Girls, every time you look at the boy you like, your heart leaps a little and you have butterflies in your stomach. Are you experiencing true love? Sadly, the answer is no. What culture says is love, is what God calls work of the flesh. Wow, that's pretty condemning. The sappy feelings that are piling up inside of you aren't true love. These emotions make YOU feel good when you are in the company of your special someone. True love isn't based on benefiting you! Get over it. When dating, you and your boyfriend or girlfriend make professions of love to each other and talk intimately about each others' wishes and dreams. While you need to get to know someone, private talk about these things shouldn't be shared with anyone but kept safe for your wife or your husband some day.

Girls and boys, don't tell every one you date for which your heart yearns. If you keep this practice up with everyone you go out with, suddenly you have given all these people a piece of your heart. So much for saving it all for your husband or wife. With courtship all emotional attachment is avoided and more time is spent conversing about beliefs, likes, and interests. Not about sharing intimate feelings with each other. Oh, and flirting isn't allowed. Courtship focuses more on the spiritual aspects of a relationship with each other. 

Well, that's all for now, folks! Part Two coming up in the very near future, so stay tuned as we delve deeper into more courtship/dating conversation during our "Dear Love" week here at Lianne Taimenlore! Happy Valentine's Day!



About Beth Grace:
A fashionista searching for new ways to have a clean modest style, but still appear stylish -all inside God's standards! You can find her online here at Modestly Stylish

19 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Beth! I REALLY enjoyed reading it!

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  2. Definitely deep, Beth, and thank you for that. Sure, it's easy to get wrapped up modern ideas, and while courtship may sound old-fashioned, it's the principle that really matters. Remain accountable, remain committed, and remain faithful.

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  3. This was wonderful, Beth! I get so tired of the world looking at courting as something old and ridiculous. Marriage is a LIFE contentment, it isn't something we should jump in on just because of heart-fluttering "feelings". That's why I think courting is amazing, because it gives you a chance to really know the person and, as you said, grow closer to God through it. I love how you said courtship focuses more on the spiritual aspects of a relationship with each other. I think a lot of people forget that that's the most important part of "getting to know each other", our spiritual life.

    I VERY much look forward to part 2! :D

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  4. Very well put. I've always gotten odd looks when I say I won't date but court, but I trust God to show me when He has the right fellow for me, I don't need to date a lot of men in the hopes of finding him

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  5. This is so good and true! I loved the chart you used to show the differences between dating and courting and the first quote you used is so powerful and true. Great post :)

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  6. Beth Grace (and Kiri Liz),

    I think that it's great that you have such a heart for the Lord and wanting to do the right thing when it comes to relationships. But as a girl who has been in a perfect, by-the-book courtship that, despite following all the formulas didn't work, I would like to offer my two cents.

    First of all, I realize that we have differing opinions that we will more than likely not agree on. I am not trying to force my opinion on you, as I feel that this is an issue between only a couple and God.

    I noticed that you used Webster's dictionary definition of courtship. A very important detail in the definition is the use of the word *could*. So many people use the argument that "if you are in a courtship it must lead to marriage, and only a courtship will lead to marriage", which is not true. Certainly courtship can lead to marriage, but so can many other methods, and I don't feel that Webster's definition quite proves the point you are trying to make.

    No where in the Bible does it specifically state rules of exactly what is the proper way to conduct a romantic relationship. Now, you can apply this to mean that courtship is a good way to go. But you cannot form a solid Biblical argument on why dating would not be right.

    You argue for commitment, and I agree that commitment is important. It should definitely be a possibility in every relationship – that being said, I don’t think that you have to go into every new relationship with the agreement that you are *going* to marry this person.

    I am afraid that many Christians have become imbalanced and have not considered the command that Christians exercise self-control in *all* areas of their life. If a couple cannot exercise self-control when they are alone, how can they ever trust each other to have self control after marriage? Unfortunately in our day and age there will be times (eg., at work) when your husband will have to be alone with a woman. If he cannot exercise self control when you are alone, how can you trust that he will have the self control to not instantly fall into immorality with his female co-worker?

    We have self control in every area of our life. I love sweets, but I know if I eat an entire cake, I will be sick and also in all probability put on weight. So even though I am desperately craving it, I will keep from eating the whole thing. However, I can still eat a piece of cake but have the self control to keep from eating the entire thing. I can watch an episode of a TV on Netflix, but I know that if I stay up till two in the morning watching an entire season, I will not be able to function the next morning. I exercise self-control by only watching one episode and then going to bed. But this does not mean that I never get on Netflix because I will not be able to resist more than one episode - or, for that matter, will watch immoral things on Netflix.

    Each couple will be different, and what they will be able to handle will be different. Some couples may be able to kiss before marriage and resist the temptation to go farther, and some may only be able to hold hands. But that is between them and God, and nowhere do we have the authority to command people to do any more than what the Bible explicitly states - which, in this instance, is the clear command that the intimate physical relationship is to only be between husband and wife.

    (Continuing in next comment...)

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  7. (Continued...)

    Also, while it is a good thing to have accountability, they should not be holding someone else responsible to ensure their good behavior, as if they were a mediator between them and God. They are responsible for their actions before God, not their parents, and ultimately, they need to be the ones to decide what is right for them – although I do believe that parent’s advice is important to consider when deciding on a relationship. Also, just because a guy doesn't go to your parents first doesn't mean that he is a bad guy or that you should write him off. Many (dare I say most) people have no idea of the concept of going to a girl's dad first, and this can often make courtship girls look snobbish.

    And as a girl who was in an emotionless, loveless courtship relationship, trying to suppress emotions or ignore emotional/physical attraction in a relationship is extremely dangerous. First of all, God gave us those emotions and a natural attraction to the opposite sex, and frankly, it is offensive and even irreverent to call something evil that God called good (Genesis 1:31).

    Second, while I agree that a relationship should not be based solely on physical attraction, I believe that it is an integral (and good) part of a romantic relationship. In fact, I would caution couples who do not have this attraction and are in a relationship. There are many examples in the Bible of passionately romantic relationships, ones that started *before* marriage. And flirting between a couple in a relationship is a healthy, fun part of building emotional rapport.

    To keep the emotional intimacy out of *any* relationship, whether platonic or romantic, is not healthy. The trend among many Christians to avoid heartbreak is a well-meaning but misguided, much like Elsa’s parents in Frozen had the best of intentions in trying to help her with her powers, but ended up damaging her instead. C.S. Lewis said that “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

    It is not possible to give your heart away. That is not the way love works. If that were true, second marriages would be impossible, you would never have more than one child because how could you possibly love them all the same, and even your friendships would be limited, since you couldn't possibly have many friends without giving your heart away to them. This idea has emotionally damaged many young people (including, in the past, myself) and stilted them from loving people the way that God intended.

    Again, please understand that I am not trying to attack your beliefs. I respect that you may believe that this is the best thing for you personally. I just see an enormous amount of danger when we cross the line and teach as doctrine things that are not explicitly stated in the Bible. I once whole-heartedly believed as you do, but through my own experience in my “failed” courtship and study of the Bible I realized that I was basing my doctrine on things people had told me and not what the Bible said. In no way do I want to influence you if you sincerely believe this is right. However, I would caution you from so strongly insinuating that this should be a universal standard among Christians and that to not follow your formula would be sin.

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  8. This really explained courtship! These are very good points to understand. Thank you Beth!

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  9. Alexandra, thank you for your input, and I appreciate hearing your view on the matter! I enjoy seeing, and am open to hearing all sides of the topic. You did bring up some interesting points and make some arguments about this article. I will admit that after what you wrote and what points you brought up actually encouraged me go do more study on this topic, and now after much prayer and careful thought, I am finally responding to your comment! Thanks for being so patient in waiting! I have broken down my response to you in sections and according to your paragraphs just so that it is easier to answer your questions and comments. I have your paragraphs posted and then my response to them right below each of them.

    "I think that it's great that you have such a heart for the Lord and wanting to do the right thing when it comes to relationships. But as a girl who has been in a perfect, by-the-book courtship that, despite following all the formulas didn't work, I would like to offer my two cents."

    Okay, just off for starters, what did you mean by stating “by-the-book courtship that, despite following all the formulas didn't work,...?” Further down in your comment you also said, “And as a girl who was in an emotionless, loveless courtship relationship,...” Exactly what point were you trying to make here? These statements don't match up with each other. If someone enters a courtship or relationship without love -God's love- for the other person, then he shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place. Courtship happens after you begin to truly love (1 Cor 13 love) and appreciate someone. Spiritual love is a lot different than emotional love. It can not be true courtship if God's love is non-existent. If you were involved in a “by the book” relationship, then it shouldn't have been loveless. The love experienced for each other in a courtship is of the Lord and not the sensual attraction we normally desire. 

    "First of all, I realize that we have differing opinions that we will more than likely not agree on. I am not trying to force my opinion on you, as I feel that this is an issue between only a couple and God."

    And I totally agree with you! Everyone has their own spiritual convictions on some issues and it should be between them and God. Sometimes there shouldn't be a third party involved, especially if they are trying to impose their standards on them. However, look at the verse in Proverbs 15:22 that says,“Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.” Basically, it's saying that there does need to be spiritual authority in our lives. We are not our own authority, God did not create it that way. God is first and foremost the ultimate authority, and then our spiritual leaders (church leaders and our father) are next. In courtship, authority plays a huge part of the foundation of the relationship. We shouldn't ever rule out someone’s advice who is our God-ordained authority, and just naturally assume we have the authority to choose for ourselves. God didn't design the authority structure that way. 

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  10. Continuing...

    "I noticed that you used Webster's dictionary definition of courtship. A very important detail in the definition is the use of the word *could*. So many people use the argument that "if you are in a courtship it must lead to marriage, and only a courtship will lead to marriage", which is not true. Certainly courtship can lead to marriage, but so can many other methods, and I don't feel that Webster's definition quite proves the point you are trying to make."

    First off, what are these other methods of which you speak? What other ways can lead to marriage?Yes, I will agree that courtship could lead to marriage. However, as I have said before no one should enter a courtship if they don't truly love each other with God's love. Courtship should only start AFTER you have gotten to know the person as a good and close friend and know what they are like in character. Once you are CERTAIN that this is THE PERSON that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you BEGIN courtship. This is the problem with most thinking: the belief is that courtship is the process of getting to know someone. That is not the case. Courtship is the process of preparing for marriage with the specific person that you intend to marry. True, not all courtship ends in marriage, but when done correctly, the overwhelming majority of courtships lead to marriage, because that is THE PURPOSE.

    "No where in the Bible does it specifically state rules of exactly what is the proper way to conduct a romantic relationship. Now, you can apply this to mean that courtship is a good way to go. But you cannot form a solid Biblical argument on why dating would not be right."

    If we look at things in the Scriptures from a “black and white” point of view than, yes, we probably won't find a verse that distinctly states: “Thou shalt not date” or “Thou shalt court.” However, God wrote His Word with the beauty of having us search His Word to find the biblical principles that guides us when it comes to dealing with ALL relationships, not just marriage. I believe that He purposely didn't write in “black and white” so we would have to dive into the Scriptures to find the principles He has laid out in His Word. Proverbs says that we will find wisdom if we “dig” for it.  If we love Him enough we will desire to find out what He says about these kinds of things and take the time and effort to do it. A biblical principle that would advise us in a “romantic relationship” is 1 Corinthians 7:1. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” If you look at the context of this verse from the Greek, it is specifically talking about touching each other in a sensually stimulating way so as to arouse sexual feelings. Excuse me for being so blunt, but this verse doesn't just mean a man having actual sex with a woman before marriage, but also includes ANY physical contact between each other. Anyone that thinks this verse is only talking about sexual activity is naive to how physical contact affects males differently from females. The context of the verse speaks about avoiding any kind of physical contact that would arouse lust, and that includes kissing, “petting” and even hand holding. Believe me, I've had guys tell me (my dad, teenage brother, and other guys included) how hard it is for them. It is better for us to avoid creating an environment of temptation during courtship rather than to try to resist it once it is already established. You should get to know a person beforehand in every way EXCEPT physically before marriage, and the physical is the last element to complete the relationship once you are married.

    Continued...

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  11. Continuing...

    "You argue for commitment, and I agree that commitment is important. It should definitely be a possibility in every relationship – that being said, I don’t think that you have to go into every new relationship with the agreement that you are *going* to marry this person."

    Yes, not every courtship will result in marriage, but if courtship is done correctly than the majority of relationships will. Commitment shouldn't be a possibility, it is a MUST in ALL relationships, inside and outside of marriage. Basically, you are demonstrating a commitment of Godly love to the other person which will show them that you are more interested in what's beneficial for them, not you. Courtship is commitment. Commitment to each other to remain pure before marriage, commitment to keeping your testimony pure in the eyes of others, and commitment before God.

    "I am afraid that many Christians have become imbalanced and have not considered the command that Christians exercise self-control in *all* areas of their life. If a couple cannot exercise self-control when they are alone, how can they ever trust each other to have self control after marriage? Unfortunately in our day and age there will be times (eg., at work) when your husband will have to be alone with a woman. If he cannot exercise self control when you are alone, how can you trust that he will have the self control to not instantly fall into immorality with his female co-worker?"

    Yes, you do need to have a trusting relationship with your husband, but here I can't agree with you. The same principle for not establishing a tempting environment is true for being alone together, in an unchaperoned environment. Why would you put yourself in a situation that is a recipe for disaster and then struggle in the effort to resist temptation? This is one of the reasons why some relationships that are called “courting” fail. When a couple is alone and out of sight and contact of other people, instead of getting to know about the other person and their character, their focus is on resisting the temptation of sin rather than on the other person. So, basically the couple is actually training themselves to build a barrier between them to protect each other while they are alone with that person, and it is very difficult to suddenly “switch gears” once you are married. This is on reason many marriages struggle. If the only way two people can build a close relationship is by being alone with no one else around, they are actually preparing to struggle once they are married. Putting yourself in a situation that causes you to build a wall between each other will have you end up building a wall between the person you're trying to build a relationship with. Another thing to consider is if your intended mate is comfortable and okay with being alone with someone he is not married to before marriage, he will be okay with being alone with other women after you marry him. In today's culture it is difficult to never be alone with someone of the opposite gender, but the situation should never change the standard. My dad has promised to never be in a situation that would compromise him and is determined to avoid all appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22), and has ensured to keep that promise. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Every relationship is built on trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. You should be able to trust your husband that he will never be alone with another woman nor be all right with being alone with her.

    Continued...

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  12. Continuing...

    "We have self control in every area of our life. I love sweets, but I know if I eat an entire cake, I will be sick and also in all probability put on weight. So even though I am desperately craving it, I will keep from eating the whole thing. However, I can still eat a piece of cake but have the self control to keep from eating the entire thing. I can watch an episode of a TV on Netflix, but I know that if I stay up till two in the morning watching an entire season, I will not be able to function the next morning. I exercise self-control by only watching one episode and then going to bed. But this does not mean that I never get on Netflix because I will not be able to resist more than one episode - or, for that matter, will watch immoral things on Netflix."

    Let me ask you this. If it okay to only indulge yourself in a minute amount than can I do the same in other areas of life? Yes, we are to have self control in every single thing, but having a little bit won't kill me, but experiencing the whole thing will. Can I than go to a bar, and because I demonstrate self control, not drink? Can I swear once in a while and not be tempted to do it again? Can I kiss someone before marriage once and not want to do it again? How easy is it to resist when it only intensifies your appetite for even more rather than satisfies it? It is better to avoid temptation rather than to resist it. If it is going to tempt us than God wants us to avoid it completely. God has commanded us from His Word that we not to be a stumbling block to others. Romans 14:13 says, “Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.” If our actions and motives cause other people to stumble in their spiritual lives then we have to remove that hindrance. We have just become guilty of bringing Christians down rather than edifying and building each other up spiritually. Those who deny removal of the stumbling block from their life demonstrate a lack of consideration and love for others and show that they are more concerned with their own well being than that of others. They only care for their own pleasure and what benefits them. Our purpose in life isn't about bringing satisfaction to ourselves, it's about edifying others. I know it sounds extreme, but if eating one piece of cake can cause to be a stumbling block to a struggling Christian than I shouldn't even eat it. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 8:9-11, “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak. For if any man see thee which hast knowledge sit at meat in the idol's temple, shall not the conscience of him which is weak be emboldened to eat those things which are offered to idols; And through thy knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died?” In other words:“Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if someone with a weak conscience sees you, with all your knowledge, eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother or sister, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge.” (NIV) If it offends or is unedifying to the weaker brother than we shouldn't do it all.

    Continued...

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  13. Continuing...

    "Each couple will be different, and what they will be able to handle will be different. Some couples may be able to kiss before marriage and resist the temptation to go farther, and some may only be able to hold hands. But that is between them and God, and nowhere do we have the authority to command people to do any more than what the Bible explicitly states - which, in this instance, is the clear command that the intimate physical relationship is to only be between husband and wife."

    I concur, God did intend for the intimate physical relationship to come after marriage, not before. God has commanded in 2 Timothy 2:22, “Flee youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” Never put each other in any situation that will even cause lustful thoughts to develop. We are to avoid all circumstances that could possibly present sexual feelings or emotions. Go back to 1 Corinthians 7:1 again where it states,“It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” How more plainly can God say it? Every couple will have physical attraction, but God intended for that desire to become satisfied AFTER marriage, not before. It's not my authority to tell couples how to conduct themselves, but God has clearly given us principles in Scriptures of how He wants it to be. Those who are more spiritually minded and have sought biblical knowledge will already know how to court because they took the time and effort to discover what God commanded in these areas, whereas the Christians who take the easy way of “black and white” policies will not understand. Yes, some couples will be able to kiss and try to leave it at that, but now they have just set themselves up to have to resist rather than avoid lust. Once you have given that desire a little taste to start, it will be hard to stop. I'm not saying physical attraction is a bad thing, but because we are sometimes so drawn towards things that are pleasing and satisfying to our flesh, we shouldn't find ways to continue to encourage it before marriage. “Flee youthful lusts...” God doesn't want us to do anything that will jeopardize or establish impure thoughts and actions. If we tolerate physical contact with each other now before marriage, than what's to say the rules have to change after marriage? If you allow any physical touching with someone unmarried, then it's allowed with others after marriage as well. Why do we have to suddenly switch the rules? God's standards never change, He doesn't switch His commandments around to meet a certain situation or circumstance.

    Continued...

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  14. Continuing...

    "Also, while it is a good thing to have accountability, they should not be holding someone else responsible to ensure their good behavior, as if they were a mediator between them and God. They are responsible for their actions before God, not their parents, and ultimately, they need to be the ones to decide what is right for them – although I do believe that parent’s advice is important to consider when deciding on a relationship. Also, just because a guy doesn't go to your parents first doesn't mean that he is a bad guy or that you should write him off. Many (dare I say most) people have no idea of the concept of going to a girl's dad first, and this can often make courtship girls look snobbish."

    As a girl, I am accountable to my parental authority and spiritual authority. God didn't build the authority structure so we could be our own authority. Throughout 1 Corinthians it eludes to how a girl is under her father's authority until he gives her away to other another man. “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (I Corinthians 7:38) This verse is saying that a father is his daughter's authority and gives her away with his permission. As a woman, we are accountable to our parents and basically, the whole idea of courtship is about the authority structure. Why do you believe that we aren't accountable to our parent's authority anymore?When a man goes to a girl's father first, it shows that he respects earthly and, more importantly, heavenly authority. The father is still responsible for his daughter (until she is married), and if the boy is respects the authority structure God has created then he will go to the father first by default. It's not a matter of creating the appearance of snobbishness, it's a matter of respect for biblical authority. We don't decide what is right or wrong for us, that's overriding God's authority. He has told us with commands and biblical principles in His Word how we should conduct our lives. Accountability plays a big role in our Christian lives, in fact, it's the entire theme of Scripture. We are responsible as Christians to be held accountable to our earthly and heavenly authority. We are accountable to the authority God has ordained over us and to Him.

    Continued...

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  15. Continuing...

    "And as a girl who was in an emotionless, loveless courtship relationship, trying to suppress emotions or ignore emotional/physical attraction in a relationship is extremely dangerous. First of all, God gave us those emotions and a natural attraction to the opposite sex, and frankly, it is offensive and even irreverent to call something evil that God called good (Genesis 1:31)."

    We shouldn't ignore the emotions inside of us, but instead turn them over to God so He can help us avoid lustful thoughts and possibly regretful actions. God also calls intimate physical contact before marriage fornication or adultery. In fact, He says that if you even possess thoughts, you have already committed sin in your heart. (Matthew 5:28). God calls even harboring lustful thoughts adultery. Courtship, and more importantly, love should never be controlled by our emotions. We should never live by our emotions, we should live to control them. Because sin perverted our bodies we have emotions and desires of the flesh, and God tells us to deny the flesh, not cater or live to satisfy it. Romans 8:13 says:“For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.” God wants us to mortify the flesh, to not give in to its emotional desires. What you refer to as natural attraction in our bodies is what God calls flesh. What is natural inside of us are the desires of the flesh. Yes, if we have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us He can help us overcome these lustful desires, but it can't be accomplished if we are catering to our natural emotions. “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.“ (Rom. 13:14) Don't ever create an opportunity that can possibly play with our emotional desires. Flee from all youthful lusts and live by the Spirit.

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    "Second, while I agree that a relationship should not be based solely on physical attraction, I believe that it is an integral (and good) part of a romantic relationship. In fact, I would caution couples who do not have this attraction and are in a relationship. There are many examples in the Bible of passionately romantic relationships, ones that started *before* marriage. And flirting between a couple in a relationship is a healthy, fun part of building emotional rapport."

    Yes, the passionate romantic relationships showed to us in God's Word are in Song of Solomon, which happens to be a beautiful love story that happened AFTER marriage. Please show me other many relationships that portrayed passion and romance that you know of in God's Word. Some other examples of prime romantic relationships were that of David and Bathsheba, Samson and Delilah, and Judah. Take a look at Eph. 5:3 (NIV).”But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”God says that there is not to be even a hint of sexual immorality residing in our lives, and frankly, flirting can start to balance on the edge of becoming dangerously immoral. Not necessarily through physical actions, but it creates an invitation for the concept of lust. Playing coy isn't a healthy part of a relationship, it only builds up emotions that can lead to lustful thoughts or actions. If flirting causes someone to think lustful thoughts than it has just become immoral. What scriptural principle did you find that said that flirting is acceptable in a relationship? True passionate romance should be reserved for marriage, not premarital desires. There is no biblical reference that tells us emotional and passionate love should be encouraged before marriage. However, God has placed a number of principles throughout His Word that discourage and warn us about creating any environment that could produce any opportunity for having to resist lustful temptation. “Flee youthful lusts..”

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    "To keep the emotional intimacy out of *any* relationship, whether platonic or romantic, is not healthy. The trend among many Christians to avoid heartbreak is a well-meaning but misguided, much like Elsa’s parents in Frozen had the best of intentions in trying to help her with her powers, but ended up damaging her instead. C.S. Lewis said that “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

    First of all, true love is God's love, not an emotion or a feeling. I do agree, keeping emotional intimacy out of all relationships can become unhealthy, however, we aren't supposed to be guided by our own emotions. Living by our emotions means living by the flesh, and that can become a very dangerous thing, especially since God advises us to control, not live, by them. If, as you say, we aren't supposed to ignore or avoid emotion, than by extension we shouldn't suppress our emotions in every area of our life. If we get angry, we should live by it. If we are jealous, we shouldn't ignore it. If we desire some physical contact, than we should do it. But God says to mortify the flesh, not let it control us.
    Yes, you can learn from Elsa's parents that they did have the best intentions in mind, however, another lesson we can learn from this example is that although parents mean good when disciplining or teaching their children, the parents are wrong. That defies the spiritual authority structure God has intended for us. We can learn from fictitious Hollywood characters, but we shouldn't base our life standards on them, and use them for comparison to define how our lives should be lived.

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    "It is not possible to give your heart away. That is not the way love works. If that were true, second marriages would be impossible, you would never have more than one child because how could you possibly love them all the same, and even your friendships would be limited, since you couldn't possibly have many friends without giving your heart away to them. This idea has emotionally damaged many young people (including, in the past, myself) and stilted them from loving people the way that God intended."

    Our hearts should be given to the One who deserves to have them. Our first and foremost command is to love God with all of our strength, soul, and mind. If our heart is filled with the love of God we will love other people the way we should. You say it's not possible to give your heart away. Does that mean you shouldn't give your heart away in your first marriage than because you want to have it for your second marriage, just in case? That is demonstrating a lack of commitment in your first marriage, just in case it doesn't work, you will still have your heart for someone else in the future. If your heart is filled with the love of God than it will never run out of love for other people, or your own children. God's love has no limits on others.

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  19. "Again, please understand that I am not trying to attack your beliefs. I respect that you may believe that this is the best thing for you personally. I just see an enormous amount of danger when we cross the line and teach as doctrine things that are not explicitly stated in the Bible. I once whole-heartedly believed as you do, but through my own experience in my “failed” courtship and study of the Bible I realized that I was basing my doctrine on things people had told me and not what the Bible said. In no way do I want to influence you if you sincerely believe this is right. However, I would caution you from so strongly insinuating that this should be a universal standard among Christians and that to not follow your formula would be sin."

    I appreciate your respect, but it sounds like you are agreeing to disagree here. As believers in Christ, we shouldn't agree to disagree about biblical standards. God's Truth isn't designed to each person individually. We shouldn’t take out of Scriptures what we want and ignore the rest. In today's Christian culture it basically tells us that it's fine to interpret God's Word differently, and what works for you might not work for me, but that's okay, we just have our own standards. Unfortunately that's not okay. Truth is not relative, it is absolute. With the philosophy that truth is relative to each person in mind, we start to create Christianity on our own terms and we are showing that God's Word isn't steadfast or unchanging anymore. Suddenly, truth has become non-relevant and we define our own biblical lifestyle because culture has changed. God's truth is not relative, and it doesn't change to adapt to present culture.
    Personal experience should never become our standard by which to live. If we live based on that then we are dangerously balancing between humanism and Christianity. Should my spiritual convictions be based on my preference or God's standards? Biblical principles straight from God's Word should always be the way to guide us, not our individual perspectives.
    Please show me what biblical principles you based your beliefs on after your personal experience with your failed courtship. I would like to hear how you came to believe what you stand for.
    This is not my formula nor do I condemn anyone who doesn't acquiesce with it. What I wrote was from pursuing God's Word for His truth how on to conduct biblical relationships. I am not pushing it on anyone, only sharing principles from God's Word. I hope you understand that as a fellow sister in Christ.

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