How do you deal with feeling broken?
When your health always seems to get the better of you, is there any joy to be found?
I used to be a really healthy kid. You know -- the kind that could walk into a dentist's office and walk out again without any cavities. Staying healthy was easy. And other than your average cold during the wet season, I was hardly ever laid up in bed or stuck on the couch.
It's amazing how quickly something like that can change, though. In 2007, my family moved to a new house which was surrounded by fields on three sides. Those fields got liberally sprayed with pesticides and all sorts of chemical nastiness every spring, and my family never realized how dangerous that situation could be. In 2011, I suffered a pretty severe case of bronchitis -- after which I was quickly diagnosed with asthma and multiple allergies. I won't bog you down with the entire list of allergies, but besides being allergic to half of outside, I couldn't eat chocolate, soy, buckwheat, fish, and walnuts.
After being so free for so many years, it was a huge blow. I couldn't run around and play outside like I used to. I couldn't eat whatever I wanted. In fact, there were several restaurants that I couldn't eat at period. Seriously, have you tried to eat out with a soy allergy? Forget Chinese.
I'd never had health restrictions before. I couldn't understand why God gave them to me.
To be honest, I got rather bitter about it. My body had basically been poisoned. In addition to the allergies and asthma, I contracted mono (ebstein barr virus) in the next few years. The changes to my body also put me at a high risk for cancer and infertility. For years, I worried that, if God did lead me to marry someone, I would never be able to have kids.
Infertility was really hard to accept because most of my life I've wanted the chance to be a mom. And taking the step to dating my to-be husband, Jed, only made it worse. I knew how much he wanted a family; we both wanted a large family. But considering that I was a carrier of mono, I'd probably pass the virus onto Jed after we were married, and there was a pretty good chance I'd pass it onto any children that we might have together.
I felt utterly broken and useless.
Jed really was a true blessing sent from the Lord. In those low emotional moments (which happened more often than I'd care to admit), he would always point me back to God. Every time I complained about feeling broken, he was quick to assure me that I wasn't. True, my body may have been limited physically, but that didn't mean I was broken. There was still joy I could embrace while avoiding eating chocolate and contemplating a future with no children.
My joy doesn't come from being complete and unbroken. My joy doesn't come from a healthy body without dietary and physical limitations. My joy doesn't come from ten robust children running around in a big farmhouse. My joy doesn't even come from my practically perfect husband/then boyfriend.
My joy comes from the Lord.
God is my Sustainer and the source of all my joy. To step beyond the feeling of brokenness, I had to change my perspective. God didn't allow the multiple health issues because He wanted me to have a hard life. He gave all of this to me as a gift because He knew I could handle it. Even in the moments when it feels most overwhelming, I have to keep that outlook. I can handle the hard stuff because I have an Everlasting Rock in my Creator. And that will never change.
It is still difficult to accept the health challenges. I think God used the allergies and other things to get my attention. I was focused so much on myself and my perfect future that I didn't think about what future God might have planned out for me. I had to let go of my own dreams and learn to willingly follow God wherever He might lead.
Today, I am happy to say that the mono is more under control, and I am the very proud mother of a healthy 5-month-old baby girl. As an added bonus, during my pregnancy, I discovered that some of my allergies cleared up, specifically the food intolerances to chocolate and soy.
I don't know if my kids will experience the mono virus. I don't know if God's plan for my life could be flare-ups of mono and a battle with cancer in the future. I don't know that my allergies will return, or if the laundry list of ones I still have will ever go away.
But I do know that Christ is sufficient. Whatever He gives me He knows I can manage it.
And I think that's been the most helpful thing of all. If I can change my attitude towards my circumstance and find a way to praise God in it, the problems almost melt away. Yes, they're still there, but they don't feel as consuming anymore.
If I have the body that God intended me to have, health problems and all, I can rejoice because I'm living inside His plan for me. If I only ever have one child instead of ten, that's the best thing ever. If I can't walk outside in the spring without my inhaler, so be it. It's so comforting to know that God is still in control. And even if He never allows me the perfect future I envisioned for myself, it's okay because He has an even better plan for my life. I just have to keep stepping up in faith and trust Him to lead me.
There is joy in brokenness.
God bless!
